My son, Matt.

I said when I started this blog I was going to share hard things.  I recently came across this talk given by a mother of a gay son living in Oakland, California.  Prop 8 and the Church and the issue of being gay and LDS has brought to light some really difficult and unpleasant things.

Honestly, I am so glad I live in Utah and did not have to face a "prop 8" in my own home state.  I know how I would have voted which was FOR Prop 8, but I do not know how I would have balanced my beliefs that it was the correct thing to do and my love for my gay 25 year old son.  I would like to think I would stand up and be counted for what I believe to be right, but I am pretty sure I would have chickened out and just hit the ballot box.  I don't think I could have campaigned against my son and his partner, Trent.

I wept as I read this mother's talk remembering all those emotions upon discovering my son, Matt, was gay.  Asking my son and "he answered, pouring out years of grief and heartache, wishing it wasn’t so, wanting to be just like everyone else,  yet knowing he was not."


Holding him in my arms as he wept and said over and over again -- "I just want to be normal."  I didn't have the clarity this mother had immediately.  She states:   "I assured him of our love and understanding, our unwavering support and loyalty, but when in absolute despair he said, “what’s the point of going on? I can’t ever marry in the temple and have a family, how do I get to the celestial kingdom? What happens to ME?”  I had no answers. I still don’t. I could not advise him to keep coming to church, to hope for peace in the next life. There are graveyards full of young latter-day-saints who have tried.   I CHOOSE LIFE FOR MY CHILD. I would rather have him alive, living an authentic life, true to who he is, than to live a stalwart steadfast lie that backs him into a suicidal corner."


I was able to assure him of our unconditional love, but the rest of that statement was lost to me until I read her words and it clarified so beautifully how I felt for Matt.  


I can't lie -- I wish he had made a different decision as far as living the lifestyle.  He did not CHOOSE to be gay.  Like he said -- "why would I choose this?  I would much rather be sitting next to Cheltsey in Church holding our two kids with one on the way."  He could not see his way clear to turn his back on his "authentic" self and travel this life's road completely alone.


I hope that someday Matt will return to Church and worship with us.  There is a young man that shared his story about being Gay and LDS at the same conference.  He talks about his experience during the Sacrament:


"Yet when the Sacrament is passed, and I bow my head and speak my sorrow to my Heavenly Father, something equally grand happens. Almost without exception, a feeling washes over me from deep inside my soul. A tender, warm, yet powerful feeling—and a voice that tells me, “You belong here.” Not when I have it all figured out, not when I am straight, not when I know all the answers—but today, right here, right now. With you. That, my dear brothers and sisters, is why I am Mormon. Because I belong here."


We are very open about having a gay son.  Our children are proud of him and so are Marty and I.  He is a beautiful, kind, loving man and we are lucky to have him as a son.

                                           My son, Matt, is in the middle of his two cousins.