6 -- Bear One Another's Burdens

This week in our meeting we covered Principle 6 Bear One Another's Burdens.

As a wife of a man who is struggling with pornography or is in a full fledged addiction to pornography, this can be so devestating and personal.  There is a lot of shame associated with this addiction and its not something you want to share with everyone.  You might worry that people will judge your husband and then, by association, you.

Melissa stated that she needed someone to understand and the meetings are where she found that support.  One of the things that I had noted in my book is ASK!!!  It takes a lot of courage to share and ask for support so when you feel that prompting -- Do it!

We are cautioned to seek the right support.  Questions to be asked -- will this person support me, will they keep it confidential and also be non-judgmental, are they mature enough to handle this information?  Getting bad advice can cause you to stop seeking support.

We can go to our family, friends, Bishops, mentors, support groups or professional therapists.  It is important to remember, particularly with the lay people, they may not have any knowledge or understanding of what this addiction is about and you may need to help them learn.

A lot of times, our addicted loved ones cannot be there for us, because they are unequipped to handle their own feelings, let alone taking care of us.

When I found out about Marty's addiction, I'm not going to lie -- a part of me died.  My trust in our marriage, my self confidence, self-worth.  I didn't feel valued, loved, or appreciated by my husband.  What struck me is the person I should count on to be there for me, to stand between me and the world, was Marty and he couldn't be that person for me.  It was disappointing and heart wrenching.  I needed to get over my pride and shame, so that I could ask for help from my family and my Bishop.

This Principle reminded me of Step 2 in the ARP 12 Step manual is Hope.  We need to hang onto hope to help us remember that this is not the end.  Someone can recover from this addiction.  Step 6 refers to a new heart being placed within you and your loved one.

Our son left on his mission a couple of months before Discovery.  When he came home two years later, Marty had been in this program for a year and a half and Matt said he came home to a completely different dad and a more peaceful and happy home.  I do believe that I received a new heart once I was able to get over my anger and regain hope for Marty, myself and our marriage.

All of this in covered by the enabling power of the Atonement.  We cannot repay our Savior for all the Atonement encompasses but what can do is -- live a good life, share this experience and love with others who find themselves ensnared in this addiction.

"To whom do we look, in days of grief and disaster, for help and consolation? . . . They are men and women who have suffered, and out of their experience in suffering they bring forth the riches of their sympathy and condolences as a blessing to those now in need.  Could they do this had they not suffered themselves?"  Elder Orson F. Whitney

Next week -- Principle 7 -- In Everything Give Thanks

Addiction Recovery Program Spouse and Family Support

I have the privilege to be a missionary for the Spouse and Family Support Group for PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group).

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has provided a fairly new program to replace the ARP 12 Step Program for the wives of men struggling with pornography.  I love this new program and I have been through them all.  We now have 12 Principles that are amazing and empowering and freeing.

I am going to blog about these Principles over the next 12 weeks.  However, I am starting on Principle 6, which is the Principle we are doing this week so that I can be fresh in my thoughts.  Next week, I will do 7 and so on until we come back around to Principle 5.

I will share my thoughts and feelings and breakthroughs, as well as the sisters that I work with, while not using their real names to protect their anonymity.

So buckle up and come with me on a journey that can start your own healing in the face of a loved one's addiction.

Chocolate Pecan Pie

2 eggs (beaten until foamy)
3/4 c sugar
3/4 c brown sugar
3/4 c flour
1 t vanilla

Mix together until creamy

Add 1 c butter (melted -- cooled)
1 c chocolate chips (I do more than a cup for my kids cuz they love chocolate)
1 c pecans (I do more than a cup for me cuz I love pecans

Mix and pour into pie crust.
Cook for 1 hour at 325 degrees.
Serve with whip cream or ice cream

Nic's January Box -- Hot Stuff for Hot Stuff

New Start

I can't believe that I went the entire year of 2015 without blogging at all.

In September of 2015, I started to think about trying to get off of all my anxiety and depression medicine.  I was talking to a friend of mine who is a nurse and she told me she thought almost 60% of my symptoms were side effects of the drugs I was taking.  I was on the highest dose of Neurontin and I took Xanax and Ambien.  I couldn't remember simple things and my temper was crazy when I actually felt something.  I had been on some type of anxiety and depression medicine for ten years.  I didn't like to leave my home and I never did things with family or friends.

When I heard symptoms could be side effects, I got real serious about getting off those medications.  First I talked with my kids and asked them their thoughts.  Overall, they were positive.  I told them I would still have anxiety and depression but Matthew said, "Yeah, but we will have our Mom back."  I went to see my psychiatrist and I told her what I was thinking.  She said, "You are serious?"  I said, "yes, I think so."  Then she asked me if I could go into LDS Hospital that very day.  "Strike while the iron was hot."  I hesitated for about a minute, but I knew it was the right thing to do, so I said, "Yes!"  She called and then walked me over and they admitted me to the detox unit.  I was in for one week.

I went to a couple of Addiction Recovery Meetings after being released from the hospital because I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to function and REALLY give these drugs up.  I have been clean and sober from those meds for over 17 weeks.

My memory is back!  I still can get pissed off, but not way out of control.  I used to pick the bottom of my feet raw thinking it was anxiety and I don't do that anymore.  Side effect?  My kids have said that they have their old Mom back.  Marty feels he has his old Wife back and my best friend, Jana, said "I have my old friend back.  Lisa is back!"

Matthew came home from his mission to a completely changed dad and home because we had identified the addiction to pornography and Marty had been almost two years sober.

Nicholas lived his entire jr. high and high school life with a mom suffering deeply from depression and anxiety and moreover, a mom that was checked out because of the drugs I was taking.  My goal is for Nic to come back to a completely different, healthy mom.

Getting off these meds has helped me confront my diabetes and I am working hard to control that disease.  I still get very anxious, but I am able to head it off most times with breathing and prayer.  I still feel depression but it is not all consuming and I don't think of self harm.  I am still taking a much lower dose of an anti-depressant and I hope to wean off that medication in the next couple of months.

My thing is that I don't like to feel feelings!  I have had a couple of times that I looked at Marty and said -- go get the Xanax!  I don't want to feel.  He encouraged me to go without and while it has been really difficult and I would have given my right arm for a Xanax, I made it.  He promises me that it will get easier over time.

I'm not perfect and there is a lot of work to do, but my mind is clear and I know this was a New Start I needed.