HUGE Fan of Fight the New Drug

So I used to be part of the population that thought porn users were just loser guys in their mom's basements or creepy guys under the viaduct.  After 22 year of marriage, I found out my husband was one of these guys?  A loser?  A creep?  What about the great guy that made me laugh or the man that I had shared a marriage bed with for the last 22 years?  There were hints -- anger, distance, etc.  I did have to beg the kids to clean up so "dad won't be mad" when he walks in the door.

Finally I had to face it head on.  My husband was addicted to pornography and it was destroying our family from the inside out.  First him, then our relationship and finally, his kids and how they saw their dad.

Marty has now been sober for 9 years and our family is healing and becoming stronger eveyrday.  During this fight, I discovered Fight the New Drug.  I couldn't believe that there was an organization that was reaching out to the kids and making this a conversation that they were not only willing to have, but to bring it back into their homes and open a conversation with their parents.  I felt such relief to know that our kids were going to hafe not only a safe, but awesome way to leanr about this awful addiction.

I have an 18 year old that has learned more than he wants about this addiction and I think my voice became like the teacher in Charlie Brown "Waaah waaah waaah wah!"  Fight the New Drug comes along and he is fired up -- has a sweatshirt, a wristband - Become a fighter, and a t-shirt "Porn Kills Love."  We have that poster right about our computer and two Fight the New Drug stickers on his car.

Young voices who are passionate, knowledgeable and "cool."  A way for parents to still educate their kids and TRUST what is said is huge.  Once I found FTND, I was cool.  I could even talk to his friends and not have him flip on me.

So, if you haven't gone to their website -- you really should.  We are in a war against pornography -- are you going to give it any casualties?  Not me.  Check it out FighttheNewDrug.com.  They ROCK!  Wait, is that a cool tagline?

A Goal Finally Reached

In 2011 I felt compelled to write mine and Marty's story through his pornography addiction.  For me, it was very therapeutic to get those thoughts and feelings into a story.  I had journaled during that time and kept those entries in my "Ugly Book."  It was black notebook that had been torn in half, with way too many swear words, tears, etc. and I carried that thing around for seven years.  Even after I had completed After the Tears, I kept the book until late in 2012 when I took our dutch oven pan and I burned that book and with the burning I felt additional peace. It was done.  Not the journey, because this will be with us our whole lives, but the pain and healing that I needed was done.

I will say that this book is brutally honest, raw and uncomfortable at times to read in way that I had wished I could find in those first days of discovery.  I needed to know my feelings were legitimate and my anger was not misplaced.  I also could not have read a "novel," I needed short and sweet.

Donna Jones, who used to oversee the ARP missionaries in Davis County with her husband, told me that she wished she could hand a copy of my book to every Bishop so they could understand the wives' side of this addiction.

My therapist told me to not change one thing if a publishing company wanted to tone it down.  She agreed that the rawness needed to be there to be helpful.

I can't figure out how to copy the link, so I know you can find it on Amazon under books and kindle with my name as Elizabeth O. Haws or the title After the Tears:  A Wife's Journey Through A Pornography Addiction.

People might be sick of seeing this being promoted, but this will be it, I promise.  Thanks for reading!

My Son's Right to Marry

I have taken my time in posting this particular post because I am going to probably step on peoples' toes, but I started this blog to share about subjects that might make us uncomfortable.  I have been open about my suffering from a mental illness, suicide attempts, in-laws, politics in church agencies, and having a gay child.

I want to share my thoughts as an LDS mother of a gay son.  One thing I want to clarify is that my son is gay, he is not confused about his gender.  He knows he was and should be a man; however, he is attracted to men.  Sometimes members of the Church get confused that being a gay man means you wish you were a woman.  That is not the case.

The next thing I want to clarify is that I have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am a member in good standing of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I do not believe that the Church should or will change their standing on marriage and the Temple should not nor will it seal gay couples.

I will admit that I was happy when the decision came down that gay couples could be married in Utah.  My son, Matt, and his partner, Trent, have been together for 4 1/2 years and for all intents and purposes, are a married couple.  I agree with Dr. William Bradshaw, a former professor at BYU and a former mission president, that my son and Trent being married and monogamous and good men who are contributors to society does not harm the institution of marriage.

I have told Matthew that I wish this could all be done by voter initiative, not by judicial action.  I believe that if voters have made their decision, that should not be overturned by a court.  I have also told him that I believe it would be less controversial and that times are changing and gay marriage could be accepted in more States within the next ten years or so.  Matt's argument is that it should not be a question, it should and is a right, period.

To wrap up -- I was not surprised at Utah's appeal.  I do, however, wish that my son, Matt, and the person he loves could marry.  This may sound contradictory to a lot people, but I have a new outlook on this subject because I have a gay son and know how much he wants to be married.