Dreams Removed

Saturday night Marty and I attended a reception for one of Matt's very good friends, Conrad.  Early in the day, a lot of Matt's friends were at the wedding in the temple, but Matt was not there.  He was thought of and missed.

I haven't even shared this with Matt because I know he doesn't want me to hurt, but again, writing helps me sort through my feelings.  Matt was up visiting during the day and I knew he was nervous about attending this reception because it would be the first time he has been with a lot of those high school friends since "coming out."  I love Matt's friends and, especially Conrad.  He will always be special to me because he took the time to visit me when Matt was on his mission and it was like hugging Matt when  I missed him so much.  Marty and I wanted to attend the reception and be with Matt with our heads up and proud to be his parents and support him and Trent.

We saw his good friend, Mariti (sp?) and her husband first and it was great.  Matt and Trent drove into the parking lot and she went out to get Matt and walk in with him.  We had blast getting to hang out with the youngins.  We went through the line and Conrad and his bride looked so fresh and happy!  I turned back to look at Matt as he greeted them and introduced Trent as his partner.  That moment is frozen in my mind realizing that a dream that I had for Matt of standing in line with his beautiful bride fresh from a temple marriage was exploding right before my eyes.

I know he didn't feel the same way then, but anyone who believes that he would "choose" that moment over what his good friend was experiencing does not understand.  Matthew had the same dream I had for most of his life and he worked very hard doing everything he was "supposed to do" until he reached the point of involving someone else in the decision that he might hurt and it was at then he "chose" his path.  The angst that he felt cannot be measured and it hurts my heart that my child has that pain.

My dreams for him are different now.  I know that he is happy in his life and that he loves Trent.  For now, I am content and ever hopeful.