“August 6, 2006. ‘Expletive, you expletive!’ Yes, these are words my sweet loving husband said to me. Yes, he is the one who had the nerve to cheat on me with pornography and masturbation and took care of his ‘needs’ himself. He will not treat me that way, not ever! He tells me to divorce him and marry someone else! Does he think I don’t wish I could? Does he think I like being married to a sex addict? I have to worry he might relapse and leave me completely out of the equation! I hate it! The only thing that has kept me going is I thought we loved each other and he treasured me enough and he would never relapse.
“BS!! Anyone who can say those two things to me CAN relapse and I will not be around for that. I CANNOT!
“He says he wants it over – fine with me! I hate him!
“He says he is tired! HE’S TIRED? I don’t think so.
“ I have taken three xanax and eaten two bowls of brownies and ice cream Really tasty, but deadly. [After the Tears – It took almost five years from discovery for me to see I was developing a dependence on xanax. While I was able to give them up without too much trouble, I did realize I had used them inappropriately and had to take a hard look at prescription drugs, myself, and addiction.] I don’t know or want to die, sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t seem like I’m doing anyone any good. I stuck by him and now its over so . . . “
“August 7, 2006, Slept until 11:30 a.m. and took a couple more xanax. Don’t know what to do. I feel so empty, so hopeless, like there is nothing left. . . . I feel so empty and I don’t have it in me. How can I be okay? The one person with whom I was supposed to be safe has already betrayed me at the deepest, most intimate level. The man who loved me, made covenants in the Temple, and watched me go through four very difficult births has let me down. I tried to trust again. I tried to believe again. I stayed with him. I have been intimate with him. I told him okay, I will trust you and believe in us, even though the 22 previous years have been a lie. I have let go and allowed him my trust in using the Internet for his MBA. I have let go and tried to be understanding and what does it get me – ‘Expletive, you expletive!’
“I don’t know what I feel. At first, shock, anger, hurt, pain, disgust and now – nothing. Granted that could be the xanax. I don’t know but I haven’t heard the right things from him, so is it over? I guess so.
“My new ministry will be get out while you can. I am sorry but the best thing for anyone who might fall in love with an addict is to run! There doesn’t seem to be hope for any of us. If not Marty and I, then who?
“I haven’t felt this devoid of feeling in a very long time. I am in the depths! Too deep to even pray."
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