New Start

I can't believe that I went the entire year of 2015 without blogging at all.

In September of 2015, I started to think about trying to get off of all my anxiety and depression medicine.  I was talking to a friend of mine who is a nurse and she told me she thought almost 60% of my symptoms were side effects of the drugs I was taking.  I was on the highest dose of Neurontin and I took Xanax and Ambien.  I couldn't remember simple things and my temper was crazy when I actually felt something.  I had been on some type of anxiety and depression medicine for ten years.  I didn't like to leave my home and I never did things with family or friends.

When I heard symptoms could be side effects, I got real serious about getting off those medications.  First I talked with my kids and asked them their thoughts.  Overall, they were positive.  I told them I would still have anxiety and depression but Matthew said, "Yeah, but we will have our Mom back."  I went to see my psychiatrist and I told her what I was thinking.  She said, "You are serious?"  I said, "yes, I think so."  Then she asked me if I could go into LDS Hospital that very day.  "Strike while the iron was hot."  I hesitated for about a minute, but I knew it was the right thing to do, so I said, "Yes!"  She called and then walked me over and they admitted me to the detox unit.  I was in for one week.

I went to a couple of Addiction Recovery Meetings after being released from the hospital because I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to function and REALLY give these drugs up.  I have been clean and sober from those meds for over 17 weeks.

My memory is back!  I still can get pissed off, but not way out of control.  I used to pick the bottom of my feet raw thinking it was anxiety and I don't do that anymore.  Side effect?  My kids have said that they have their old Mom back.  Marty feels he has his old Wife back and my best friend, Jana, said "I have my old friend back.  Lisa is back!"

Matthew came home from his mission to a completely changed dad and home because we had identified the addiction to pornography and Marty had been almost two years sober.

Nicholas lived his entire jr. high and high school life with a mom suffering deeply from depression and anxiety and moreover, a mom that was checked out because of the drugs I was taking.  My goal is for Nic to come back to a completely different, healthy mom.

Getting off these meds has helped me confront my diabetes and I am working hard to control that disease.  I still get very anxious, but I am able to head it off most times with breathing and prayer.  I still feel depression but it is not all consuming and I don't think of self harm.  I am still taking a much lower dose of an anti-depressant and I hope to wean off that medication in the next couple of months.

My thing is that I don't like to feel feelings!  I have had a couple of times that I looked at Marty and said -- go get the Xanax!  I don't want to feel.  He encouraged me to go without and while it has been really difficult and I would have given my right arm for a Xanax, I made it.  He promises me that it will get easier over time.

I'm not perfect and there is a lot of work to do, but my mind is clear and I know this was a New Start I needed.