THE DANGERS OF GAY PORNOGRAPHY
As dangerous as pornography is, gay pornography carries a double danger with it. I debated about including this chapter, but after much prayer and thought and discussion with a therapist, my husband, my son and several others, I decided this needed to be discussed as well.
Long before my discovery of Marty’s addiction, my son came to tell me he had been looking at pornography. I told him to knock it off and let the discussion stop there. Later, I found a picture in the pocket of his jeans and it was of two men together in a sexually explicit manner. When I confronted him, he told me a kid in his deacon quorum had come to an activity and told all the boys about a website that was really “gross” and they should definitely go check it out. I cautioned him again about viewing pornography, but did not discuss the gay issue. [After the Tears – we have learned out of Matt’s quorum, there are three young men who are actively living the gay lifestyle and two more who are fighting it.] We never talked about it again, until . . .
When Matt returned from his mission and we went to the Stake President’s office for him to be released, I was stunned at the emotion Matt was showing. He was literally weeping as we visited with the Stake President. His tears increased as the words were said, “you are released from your service as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You can remove your badge.” It would be months before I understood his emotions.
Christmas of 2007, I sat with him in our family room and asked him what was wrong. He was so unhappy and I couldn’t fathom why. He finally broke down and told me he thought he was gay. The reason he was so emotional when he was released was because for the two years of his mission, these emotions and thoughts had been taken from him, but he knew they would return in full force upon his release and he didn’t want to walk that road. He told me he prayed every night for Heavenly Father to take this from him or, at the very least, to take him home before he succumbed. He did work very hard for a year or two to stay on the path of heterosexuality. His sweet girlfriend who had waited for him on his mission was still there and they dated, but she told me later, every time they talked about marriage, a wall would go up she could not break through. [After the Tears – Matt and Tessa did date and he did love her and wanted very much to marry her and raise a family, but he could not guarantee he would be able to do it his whole life. His love for her made him set her free and she is now serving a mission. We wish her the very best and hope she will find her eternal companion and have all the happiness in the world and for eternity.]
He tells me he knew when he was 14 years old he was gay. Was he born this way? I don’t know the answer to that question, but I do know during a very crucial and formative time in his life, he was exposed to gay pornography and was stimulated by the actions of the men on these sites. I have often said I wish I could have my 13-year-old Matt back and talk very openly with him about sexuality and it was normal for him to be stimulated by any sexual activity. It did not mean he was gay. Would it have made a difference? I don’t know that answer, either.
I vowed to take every opportunity to share this experience and maybe save another family from this heartbreak. Please talk to your children. Find out what they are seeing and hearing out there in the world. Don’t let an opportunity to save a child from heartache pass you by because you are embarrassed or worse, uninformed.
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