Another Chapter from my book - After the Tears

THE DANGERS OF GAY PORNOGRAPHY

            As dangerous as pornography is, gay pornography carries a double danger with it.  I debated about including this chapter, but after much prayer and thought and discussion with a therapist, my husband, my son and several others, I decided this needed to be discussed as well.

            Long before my discovery of Marty’s addiction, my son came to tell me he had been looking at pornography.  I told him to knock it off and let the discussion stop there.  Later, I found a picture in the pocket of his jeans and it was of two men together in a sexually explicit manner.  When I confronted him, he told me a kid in his deacon quorum had come to an activity and told all the boys about a website that was really “gross” and they should definitely go check it out.  I cautioned him again about viewing pornography, but did not discuss the gay issue.  [After the Tears – we have learned out of Matt’s quorum, there are three young men who are actively living the gay lifestyle and two more who are fighting it.]  We never talked about it again, until . . .

            When Matt returned from his mission and we went to the Stake President’s office for him to be released, I was stunned at the emotion Matt was showing.  He was literally weeping as we visited with the Stake President.  His tears increased as the words were said, “you are released from your service as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  You can remove your badge.”  It would be months before I understood his emotions.

            Christmas of 2007, I sat with him in our family room and asked him what was wrong.  He was so unhappy and I couldn’t fathom why.  He finally broke down and told me he thought he was gay.  The reason he was so emotional when he was released was because for the two years of his mission, these emotions and thoughts had been taken from him, but he knew they would return in full force upon his release and he didn’t want to walk that road.  He told me he prayed every night for Heavenly Father to take this from him or, at the very least, to take him home before he succumbed.  He did work very hard for a year or two to stay on the path of heterosexuality.  His sweet girlfriend who had waited for him on his mission was still there and they dated, but she told me later, every time they talked about marriage, a wall would go up she could not break through.  [After the Tears – Matt and Tessa did date and he did love her and wanted very much to marry her and raise a family, but he could not guarantee he would be able to do it his whole life.  His love for her made him set her free and she is now serving a mission.  We wish her the very best and hope she will find her eternal companion and have all the happiness in the world and for eternity.]

            He tells me he knew when he was 14 years old he was gay.  Was he born this way?  I don’t know the answer to that question, but I do know during a very crucial and formative time in his life, he was exposed to gay pornography and was stimulated by the actions of the men on these sites.  I have often said I wish I could have my 13-year-old Matt back and talk very openly with him about sexuality and it was normal for him to be stimulated by any sexual activity.  It did not mean he was gay.  Would it have made a difference?  I don’t know that answer, either.

            I vowed to take every opportunity to share this experience and maybe save another family from this heartbreak.  Please talk to your children.  Find out what they are seeing and hearing out there in the world.  Don’t let an opportunity to save a child from heartache pass you by because you are embarrassed or worse, uninformed.

When Kids Surprise You

Sometimes it feels like I am always worrying about my kids and complaining about them and their choices.  Once in awhile, one kid does something that makes me smile and feel pretty good about my kids and my parenting abilities.

In an earlier post I lamented about my daughter, Rachael, and where she was going in life.  Well, last week she calls to tell us that she has gotten herself enrolled at Paul Mitchell Hair school?  I don't know what it is called.  This has been one of her plans but she never had acted it on it until now.  She will be starting next month.  Next apartment of her own.  We got some numbers from the Institute up at the U and called one person and went to see it today and she will be moving in next Thursday.  So proud of her!!!!!

Saying Goodbye to a Good Friend -- my cat!

Around Christmas of 2009, a sweet kitty named Cheeto adopted me.  This was during a time that I felt like my whole world was imploding.  We had moved and I didn't feel at home at all where we were living and I was very lonely.  I had found out that Matt was living the gay lifestyle, despite my having prayed almost constantly and wished with all my heart he would choose differently, even if it meant him living an unhappy life (selfish, right?).  I had what could be a called a complete breakdown with this perfect storm of life events.

Into my life, came my cat.  A little orange tabby with golden eyes.  His first family had badly mistreated him and they had even shaved one side of his body.  He was goofy looking but so completely lovable.  Marty hated him from the beginning -- but seeing how much I was hurting and since I was home all day by myself and he wasn't sure what I was capable of doing, he let Cheeto adopt us.  From November 2009 to June 2010, I spent most of my time sitting under my viewmont blanket in the corner of my couch with Cheeto laying in my lap.  There were some days that I was there and he would curl up on my stomach and purr and far too often, I felt like he was the only one that cared whether I lived or died.

He's famous around our neighborhood, not because he's allowed outside, but because he's always in a window watching the world.  He has brought giggles to little ones who would come up to the window to visit and he would put his paw up or stand on his hind legs to visit.  We have hours of fun playing with the laser and I'm pretty sure he sees ghosts.  At night, he decides that the house is his own personal racetrack and he plays NASCAR full speed up the stairs and down and in and out of rooms.  He loves to tear up paper and he thinks that when the printer goes, it is for his entertainment.

I was never a cat person until I had Cheeto.  Countless times as I have been nauseated, he always comes and finds me and climbs onto my stomach and it did feel better.  He's done that for everyone, Rachael, Nic and even Marty, when they have been sick.  So how do you say goodbye to a little creature that has brought so much comfort to me -- I don't know.  Up until this moment, I haven't shed a tear but now I can't stop.  He's sick and I can't fix him and I can't give him to someone else, so I have to put him down. A long time ago, when our family dog was too old and had to be put down, someone told me we would have our animals in heaven.  I really want that to be true.  If animal heaven is based on good works, then Cheeto will be there.

Thank you for your too short life and your unconditional love.  Bye Cheeto!

My Reflections

I have been very reflective lately about my family, my children, my marriage and the years Marty and I have been together, which is almost 29 years of marriage.

I was thinking about homecoming this year and how Nic didn't really want to go on his first date yet.  He has been best friends with Landon since they were two years old and they want to have a double first date. Landon doesn't turn 16 for awhile, so he decided to wait.  I'm very okay with that idea.

It reminded though of Matt's first school dance.  He took Amy to Davis' Prom the spring of his sophomore year.  I love that picture!  They look so young and innocent and just happy to be hanging out.  Then, Tessa (named changed) turned 16 in July before Matt's Jr. year and he took her a birthday cake that day and asked her to go to homecoming.  It wasn't much time before Matt answered the door and said, "Mom, there's a cow in our front yard."  Tessa had brought a cow to our house with a halo and a sign that said "holy cow, the other girls better mooooove over cuz I'm going to homecoming with Matt."  I'm pretty sure not very many people have been answered with a cow.  It was awesome

And while I'm at it -- why do kids have to go to such extremes to ask and answer for a dance?  What happened to a phone call?  We have sent balloons with letters in them, chocolate pudding in a pumpkins with letters in it, answered with a survivor like tribal council with everyone voting whether they should go to the dance, even our dog had a vote.  We have decorated bedrooms, trashed front yards etc.  Please Nic, just call and ask.  I'm too old for this.

And another thing -- why the all day date?  What if you hate the person you are going with and you are now stuck spending an entire day, plus dinner, plus the dance, plus the porch scene with someone you really couldn't care less about.  Please Nic, do short dates!  I'm way too old for this.

Better yet, let's just skip the whole dating thing until after you get home from your mission.  By then, I will be so old, I won't have an opinion and you can do whatever you want.  Deal?

My Practice Grandkids

Years ago, before I knew I was going to have a little trouble getting real grandbabies, I started adopting my practice grandkids.  My very first ones were Kennedy and Taiden (with Britt and Shaw being added as they came along).  Kennedy is the same age as Nic, so we think its funny that she is my practice granddaughter and the same age as my baby.

Then we moved to Centerville and I added Ana (with Livy coming a few years later).  Next my sweet family of 5 moved in next door:  Sam, Nick, Ana, David and Rachel.  I always had treats at my house for my practice grandkids, but if you didn't make the club, don't come knockin'.

We moved back up north and in our cul de sac, I hit gold.  Across the street, Tyler, Collin and Andee (Meg joined later and then next door to them was Bridger and Avery (Chloe came later).  Just out of the cul de sac and across the street is Jack and Brigham (with sweet Bailey) and next door to us eventually was Christian and Leah (with Slater just joining this last summer).

In March of 2010, my sweet Violet was born and I really do get to be Aunty Grammy with her.  She now lives in Missouri and is awaiting her little sister, Norah.  I might get to go back and help with the new baby this spring, I hope.

Lastly and surely not least, Franklin, Beatrice and Solomon.

The rules at my house when they come to visit is that they are in charge and Lisa does not say no.  I have loved attending baseball and soccer games.  I have gotten to go to Grandparents' Breakfast and hope to attend a few dance recitals coming up.  I have watched a Karate belt advancement and been to more than a few baptisms.  They know to come to my house on Halloween because I have big candy bars for my babies.

I am going to rock as a grandma because these kids and their parents have been so great to let me in on some of their fun.  I love each and every one of them.

Seriously, there have been times when their moms have been so in tune and called me to see if I wanted to come hold the baby or tell me a fun story about them.  I haven't been the greatest grandma lately, but I hope they know I still love them and I still watch what they do and are so proud of their accomplishments.  We need to have a party at my house and soon.

Love you all!