Trust. "Addiction thrives in secrecy, and deceit is its lifeblood." (Spouse & Family Support Guide). Our loved ones have lied to us, deceived us, and minimized their behavior so we no longer trust them. When you have lost that trust, it is difficult to not be afraid and worried about our loved one's behavior when we are not around. Distrust creates barriers in our relationship and communication. We find ourselves trying to monitor our loved one's behavior. We may not be able to trust our loved ones, but we can trust the Lord and His protection. Nephi declared, "O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever." (2 Nephi 4:34). How will trusting the Lord help you when you struggle to trust your loved one?
The first thing I had to do after finding Marty's addiction was to learn to trust in the Lord again. I had prayed to know if I should marry Marty and I was given a positive answer. After "discovery," I was angry toward the Lord! I wanted to know why I was told to marry him when this was a problem. It took time, but I did learn to trust Him again.
Ann told us she realized she had to do the things she was supposed to do and she know the Lord would take care of her. She did say it was hard not to fall back into her fear, which would trigger distrust all over again.
LaNae gave simple advise -- Stay close to the Spirit.
Becca stated her biggest question was HOW could she trust again. She thought about Peter when he walked on the water during the storm, he was fine until he took his focus off of the Savior. That is when he got into trouble and it was the same for her.
Jillian talked about learning to trust herself. How did she not see this problem? When she did, why didn't she leave? How did it start all over again?
Being Honest With Ourselves and Our Loved Ones. Finding out about this addiction can cause shock and alarm. You ask yourself how long has he deceived me? What else don't I know? Our loved ones are embarrassed and ashamed and may only share a little at a time. It is important for our loved ones to be honest and accountable, full disclosure is a process, "especially where patterns of secrecy and deceit have been in place for long periods of time." (S&FSG).
We may not want to know or are not ready to know all the secret and terrible things our loved ones have done. We may need to know the facts, but all things should be done "in wisdom and order." (Mosiah 4:27). We need to balance the things we need to know and what might further harm us. We may find out things that will hurt us or make us angry, but we should not react in anger or try to shame them. Disclosure is part of recovery and healing, and our loved ones may already be ashamed and hate themselves, which needs to be addressed to continue healing. What level of honesty might you need in order to build a foundation of trust? How will you come to recognize what is important to know and what should be left unsaid?
Valerie talked about this being a trial and error experience and when she did make a mistake, she was grateful the Atonement applied to her, as well as her loved one.
Cheryl talked about needing to know enough to forgive and not to be surprised as things continued to be produced. She likened it to her husband unloading boulders at first and as he became more sensitized and the layers of dishonesty were being stripped away, he started unloading rocks. She needed the boulder and rocks, but she did not need to turn over every pebble. One other thing they did was to add up all the dollars that were spent in his addiction. It helped her husband to see just how much it had cost him, their family, and their business in real numbers. Afterwards, they burned the bank and credit card statements.
Maintaining Regular Communication. Our loved ones may not want to communicate at first about their struggles and we may not want to share with them due to lack of trust. It can be hard, but you can find ways to communicate, especially about your journey toward healing and recovery. It is important for our loved ones to communicate about times they are tempted or have relapsed. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "A husband must have no private, hidden agenda that is kept secret from his wife. Sharing everything about each other's personal life is powerful spiritual insurance." ("The Sanctity of Womanhood," Ensign, May 2000).
We need to find the right balance of what we need to know and what should be left unsaid. "Open and honest communication is the beginning of rebuilding trust." (S&FSG). How has regular, open, and honest communication blessed your relationship with your loved one? In what specific ways can you and your loved one improve your communication?
"The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard." (Elder Marvin J. Ashton, Ensign, May, 1976).
"Patience in communication is that certain ingredient of conduct we hope others exhibit when we fail to measure up." (ibid).
"Be patient, be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity." (D&C 6:19).
Cheryl shared when she found out about all the secrecy in her marriage, she felt so isolated. As they worked on their communication, she realized her husband needed to be able to trust her, as well.
I love the advise of balancing what needs to be shared. I didn't want to know details, initially. I had to work through my anger and my feelings of betrayal before I was healthy enough to hear some of the details.
Rebuilding Trust. Our loved ones need to regain the ability to be honest and trustworthy. We may hear them saying the right things, but observing what they are doing is even more important. Our loved ones may not choose what needs to be done to recover and may fall back into the addiction. In that case, we do not have to extend our trust to them.
Our trust can grow when we see our loved ones drawing nearer to the Spirit and their consistent progress toward recovery. "As they are honest with us about their hard times, we can also begin to believe that they are being honest about their good times." (S&FSG). We need to rely on the Spirit to know when we can begin to trust. This may take time. Our fear and anger may prevent us from extending trust. We can seek His comfort and support as we heal. What role does the enabling power of the Atonement play in rebuilding trust? What are some next steps for you to take in the process of rebuilding trust?
Becca said she was blessed to regain trust fairly quickly. However, when she allowed fear and anger to come back into her life, she would lose ground. She really relied on the Spirit to help her discern truth.
Cheryl commented she learned it is not a sin to be tempted. She also learned our Heavenly Father and the Savior are really the only ones we can completely trust. The natural man has the ability to hurt us with deceit and lies. The enabling power of the Atonement helps our loved ones to bring honesty back into their lives.
About two years after recovery, Marty was still traveling quite a bit and for some reason, I freaked out about this one trip. For several years, I felt as if there was a giant shoe out there that was going to drop and I guess I was afraid this trip would do it. We have always had a partnership with our Bishop and I went to express my concerns. He told me, "Lisa, leave Marty to me and the Lord. Don't worry about him, we will do that. I want you to take these concerns and while you kneel in prayer, envision taking them and placing them at the feet of your Savior. Ask Him to take this from you and He will, I promise." I stand as a witness that He has -- over and over again. I have not had to do this just once but many times as I become prideful and take it all back, but each time, the Savior is there to relieve me of this burden.
One other thing I had to learn was to not react with anger and judgment when Marty came to me to share he was having difficulty. I wanted him to trust me so that we could discover triggers for him and things we could do differently.
Sharing. Cheryl talks about this destructive dance, sort of a cold war she was in with her husband for years. He was hurt by her, she was hurt by him. Her heart would harden against him and they would engage again. She learned to let the Spirit guide her and those experiences are fewer and farther between, until almost completely gone after 10 years. She also said this experience has let her "get deep" with the Savior.
Job 6:25 says "Forcible are right words" shared at the right moment with the right person.
A little trick I heard in a Sunday School class to help not react with anger is to say "I love you" in my mind before I react. You would be surprised how much that can help in almost any situation.
Once again, through this principle, I have learned that the Atonement is all encompassing. Through letting the Atonement work for me, I have healed and I have learned to trust my husband again. In letting the Atonement work him, he has healed from this addiction. Of this, I bear my testimony.
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