8 -- BE FIRM AND STEADFAST

8 -- Be Firm and Steadfast

We Can Set Appropriate Limits to Protect Ourselves and Our Families.  This is a difficult process because we want to support our loved ones and we wonder will setting boundaries or limits seem supportive or destructive?  God's example is to support our loved ones while honoring God's laws and the laws of the land.  Elder Russel M. Nelson states, "real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation -- not acquiescence!  Real love does not support self-destructing behavior."  ("Teach Us Tolerance and Love," Ensign, May 1994).  We have a responsibility to set limits, make rules and hold family members accountable for their choices.  Not to control, but to help our loved ones stay safe.  "Establishing clear limits and consequences may be necessary in order to help our loved ones find recovery and healing."  (Spouse & Family Support Guide).  So, how can you set limits and also show love?  How can limits or consequences help a loved one find recovery and healing?

Melissa had a great example of having to set limits initially on what was appropriate to watch on television because her loved one was so desensitized he did not have the ability to set those limits.  We know that a remark can lead to a thought which can lead to an image and then . . . .  As her husband healed and the Spirit was with him, he was able to join in those limits that needed to be set.

As women, our natural instinct is to protect our loved ones and ease the consequences of their choices.  When we do interfere, we are taking their agency.  Our loved ones need to feel the consequences of their actions to motivate them to find healing and recovery.

My husband taught me about this particular difference about threats -- if you do that, I am leaving! and consequences -- if you choose to do this, here are the consequences.  When I would threaten him with the idea of leaving or divorce if he relapsed, I was taking his choice away.  When given consequences of a relapse, the choice was now his and he was choosing the consequences by choosing the behavior.

Becca stated when consequences or boundaries were set, it can be a turning point for the addict.

Elder Nelson teaches us the difference between tolerate and tolerance. "Your gracious tolerance for an individual does not grant him or her license to do wrong, nor does your tolerance obligate you to tolerate his or her misdeed."  (Ibid.)

How to Set Limits or Consequences.  "As we consider limits and consequences to set for our family members, we need the Lord's guidance.  There is not one approach that is right for everyone.  The Spirit can help us know what is right for our loved ones and for us."  (S&FSG)  Bringing the Lord into this step of setting limits and/or consequences is key because limits and consequences should be based on the principle of agency and inspired by love, not by anger or punishment.  They should be clear and concrete involving natural results of actions taken.  A great way to start in this particular addiction is to say this home will be free from pornography or "other related negative influences."

Our limits will be challenged so the consequences need to be such that we are willing to carry them out.  "The limits and consequences we set should be done in wisdom, in harmony with the gospel, and with the guidance  of the Holy Spirit."  (ibid.)  We can check with a trusted advisor which can help us evaluate our thinking and can help us be aware if our motive is not based on true and loving principles.  Why might it be hard to set limits?  How can you overcome such difficulties?  How is a parent's role in setting limits different than a spouse's role?

These questions are so common!  I asked myself these questions when told that I should set boundaries and limits.  Valerie talks about her journey into limits and boundaries.  She stated when she was doing her "dailies," prayer, read and study her scriptures and invite the spirit into these decisions, she was able to set boundaries on things quite naturally.  By being closer to her Savior, she realized she did not want to tolerate being talked to in a negative way or want any type of pornography or negative influence in her home.  So these boundaries seemed very natural to set so that she could invite the spirit into her home.  Valerie just wanted to feel safe and by inviting the spirit into this conversation she was able to set her boundaries with a spirit of love.

The biggest concern for us as wives is we are not their mothers and we don't want to have to act like their mothers.  Becca cleared this up for me in the clearest way I have ever heard.  She stated when we set limits and boundaries for our children, like don't talk to strangers, don't go into the street, we are doing so for our children's protection.  It is our responsibility as parents to do so.  When she set boundaries or limits for her husband, it was for her own protection.  These were set to help her feel safe.  Finally, an explanation that made sense to me.  I wish I had understood this much earlier in my journey.

Doing What We Can to Preserve the Relationship.  There are times when the pain we feel seems unbearable.  There are times when we feel like the only way we can escape is to separate from our loved ones.  The Church does ask that we work very hard to preserve the family.  We should seek the "Lord's direction and strength to sustain us while we strive to know his will."  (ibid.)  What can we do to show commitment to our relationships while maintaining clear limits?

Cheryl said that she wanted honesty.  When she discovered her husband had an addiction to pornography, she felt the previous nine and a half years were a lie.  How many times had he deceived her?  Her trust was so damaged and it was a powerful boundary to require honesty.  As her husband shared with her in an honest way, it started to remove the shame and the power of the addiction.

I don't have much to say about this particular section because it is so personal and sometimes, the happy ending isn't going to happen.

We Need Not Endure Our Loved Ones' Abusive Behavior.  "Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others.  It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear."  ("Responding to Abuse:  Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders" [1995]).  Addiction itself is a form of abuse.  ". . . we know the Lord does not expect or want us to endure abusive behavior.  It is important for us to take necessary steps to be safe and to stop the abuse."  (S&FSG)

Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said, "We know that many of you are innocent victims -- members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period.  Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce.  When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it."  (Divorce," Ensign or Liahona, May 2008).  We may consult Church leaders and others about this decision, "[h]owever, this is a personal decision we make with the Lord's guidance."  (S&FSG).  How can you appropriately respond to a loved one who repeatedly fails to respect the limits you set?

I have been in the ARP program for almost 11 years and this is the first time divorce has ever been mentioned as an option.  One of the blessings this has brought to someone who is struggling with a spouse addicted to pornography is if we choose to fight for our marriage, we can be all in.  Before, it felt like maybe you should "endure to the end."  Sometimes when you are "enduring" you are not working to save a marriage.  This is my own personal opinion about this conversation.

Elder Oaks also says in his talk on divorce to "face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce, but repentance."  This is so true in our situation.

There have been women I know who received the answer to leave their marriage for various reasons.  I do not know what they were, I do know, as I said before, sometimes the happy ending is walking away.

Sharing Portion.  Melissa started off by saying she has noticed when her husband is doing well, Satan sets his sites on her and he attacks her through her illness.  This can bring her into a really dark and depressing place.  She has learned to remind herself she has seen light in her life and to remember it is still there.  She chooses to believe the light is there and it helps her back to doing better.

Cheryl talked about how she told her husband early in their marriage that infidelity of any type would be grounds for divorce.  She wouldn't put up with it and it would be very "easy" for her to walk away.  When she found out about this addiction and all it entailed, she had to "pull up that stake" about divorce but it was hard, because she didn't want to appear weak.  She had to let go of the idea of divorce, she realized she could stay and fight for her marriage.  She wanted to fight!  So she is heading in a different direction, but it is the right direction.

In closing, I share with my sisters how amazed I am at their spiritual depth and strength and deep understanding of the Atonement.  I spent a lot of years angry and saying this is NOT MY problem, it is HIS and I don't to pray and study about this, HE does.  It took so much time for me to see this was incorrect thinking and I wasted so much time.

I do watch Marty and there are things he does which give me comfort he is doing well.  I see him praying, studying the scriptures, going to meetings and working the steps.  When those things are in place, I know he is strong.  Those things were one of my boundaries.  Sometimes, I hear wives apologizing for setting limits and boundaries and I think about our Heavenly Father -- He has set limits and boundaries for us -- we are to obey His commandments and honor the covenants we have made with Him through baptism and the Temple.  We are doing nothing more than what Heavenly Father has done for us.  I have learned so much through this difficult experience.  As Dr. Phil says "I wouldn't take a million dollars for the things I have learned, but I wouldn't pay a plug nickel to go through it again."

I bear testimony the Atonement covers all!  Let this Atonement work for you.  It is there for you, reach out and touch it -- use it -- know it!  And remember the scripture that never fails -- Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."