Grey's Anatomy Cast - Chasing Cars

Outside looking in

I am here, yet feel as
  if I am a spectator.
People greet me with
  smiling faces
but return to the familiar
  places.

After the greeting
 I stand
awkwardly and alone.

Laughter and friendships
  surround me
yet I stand
  outside and cold.

There is no familiar for me.
Only empty smiles and
  greetings.
I long for friendships
  but I don't know
how to reach and be
  that familiar person.

I know people will
  be surprised
that I feel this
  alone.
Its hard to let go
  of what is comfortable.

Stretch and I too
  will try.

Update

I have had a couple of days since Monday, Family Secret 2, and a visit to my internist and my psychiatrist.  They both said I have to get my sugars under control which I have been working on and my psychiatrist, of course, gave me new meds.  However, it seems to be helping a little.  If I can just not fight with my son, then it works pretty well.

I hate end of term.  It is so high pressure for kids and is made worse if they have played around and not worked hard throughout the term.  Yep, that's us.  All of my kids, except Matt, have done this, but they come by it honorably because I was and am exactly the same way.  Give me a deadline and I can work and work hard.

I still have to bounce my legs when I sit, and try to concentrate on breathing, but I have not been in the fetal position yet again.  That's good, right?

Funny note:  Ever since I compared the cat and dog, Lacy sits on my lab 24/7 if I would let her as if to say: "Oh yeah, I am just as good as that ole' cat."

Thank you, everyone, who responded to my last blog either by FB, phone or in person.  It is heart warming to feel of your love and support.  In some cases, I have been told their story and how they came through.  Thank you for your generosity of spirit.

Family Secret, Part 2 . . .

I am sitting here today counting the hours until I have someone coming home.  Nic will be here in just about 2 and 1/2 hours.  I think I can make it.  I have made dinner in the crock pot, put dessert in the fridge, taken the dog out numerous times, as well as three walks, paced the floors, done laundry, paced some more, breathed deeply again and again (just trying to take a deep breath is almost impossible), and still found myself curled up on the couch in the fetal position willing myself to hang on.  My heart has been praying all day and I still can't take a breath.

I used to think at the beginning of each year, I want to lose weight and get into shape.  Now, I think I want to breathe without pain.  I want a day without pure and total terror -- panic.  I miss my cat.  I love my dog, but she doesn't have the same comforting way about her.  I used to be able to pull my Cheeto on my lap and could physically feel my blood pressure go down and I could breathe again.

I don't want to freak anyone out -- I'm okay.  I'm not going to hurt myself.  I don't think I could hurt anymore than I am right now.  I will be here today and the next day and the next . . .  Pardon me if sometimes that sounds insurmountable.

I love my family.  They try so hard to understand and be helpful.  I wish I knew what to tell them, you know, how they could help me but I don't know myself.  I can't even help myself.

I'll just keep praying and breathing and soon my sweet son and husband will be home.  That will help.  This blog helps -- writing what I feel, getting some of the poisonous thoughts and feelings out, helps.

Wow, right now I can breathe . . .