In 2011 I felt compelled to write mine and Marty's story through his pornography addiction. For me, it was very therapeutic to get those thoughts and feelings into a story. I had journaled during that time and kept those entries in my "Ugly Book." It was black notebook that had been torn in half, with way too many swear words, tears, etc. and I carried that thing around for seven years. Even after I had completed After the Tears, I kept the book until late in 2012 when I took our dutch oven pan and I burned that book and with the burning I felt additional peace. It was done. Not the journey, because this will be with us our whole lives, but the pain and healing that I needed was done.
I will say that this book is brutally honest, raw and uncomfortable at times to read in way that I had wished I could find in those first days of discovery. I needed to know my feelings were legitimate and my anger was not misplaced. I also could not have read a "novel," I needed short and sweet.
Donna Jones, who used to oversee the ARP missionaries in Davis County with her husband, told me that she wished she could hand a copy of my book to every Bishop so they could understand the wives' side of this addiction.
My therapist told me to not change one thing if a publishing company wanted to tone it down. She agreed that the rawness needed to be there to be helpful.
I can't figure out how to copy the link, so I know you can find it on Amazon under books and kindle with my name as Elizabeth O. Haws or the title After the Tears: A Wife's Journey Through A Pornography Addiction.
People might be sick of seeing this being promoted, but this will be it, I promise. Thanks for reading!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
My Son's Right to Marry
I have taken my time in posting this particular post because I am going to probably step on peoples' toes, but I started this blog to share about subjects that might make us uncomfortable. I have been open about my suffering from a mental illness, suicide attempts, in-laws, politics in church agencies, and having a gay child.
I want to share my thoughts as an LDS mother of a gay son. One thing I want to clarify is that my son is gay, he is not confused about his gender. He knows he was and should be a man; however, he is attracted to men. Sometimes members of the Church get confused that being a gay man means you wish you were a woman. That is not the case.
The next thing I want to clarify is that I have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am a member in good standing of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I do not believe that the Church should or will change their standing on marriage and the Temple should not nor will it seal gay couples.
I will admit that I was happy when the decision came down that gay couples could be married in Utah. My son, Matt, and his partner, Trent, have been together for 4 1/2 years and for all intents and purposes, are a married couple. I agree with Dr. William Bradshaw, a former professor at BYU and a former mission president, that my son and Trent being married and monogamous and good men who are contributors to society does not harm the institution of marriage.
I have told Matthew that I wish this could all be done by voter initiative, not by judicial action. I believe that if voters have made their decision, that should not be overturned by a court. I have also told him that I believe it would be less controversial and that times are changing and gay marriage could be accepted in more States within the next ten years or so. Matt's argument is that it should not be a question, it should and is a right, period.
To wrap up -- I was not surprised at Utah's appeal. I do, however, wish that my son, Matt, and the person he loves could marry. This may sound contradictory to a lot people, but I have a new outlook on this subject because I have a gay son and know how much he wants to be married.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Pride Parade SLC
After I watched the movie "Tears for Bobby" I was deeply moved. I was that mother. If I prayed hard enough, if he would just do what he knew was right, he just needed to date more girls, etc. and he could be fixed. When I finished the movie I immediately called Matt and said "please tell me I didn't make you feel less than you are! Please tell me I didn't say that you were a disappointment to me!" Later in our conversation I mentioned the final scene where the mother is marching in the Pride parade and she sees a boy that reminds her of her son and she goes to him and hugs him. I told Matt that I could be the first to hug a person and let them they are not a mistake but that I didn't think I could ever walk in a Pride Parade.
On Sunday, it seemed the most natural thing to get up and walk. I wasn't being political I was sharing the fact that I love my son, Matt and I am proud of his living an authentic and loving life with Trent.
Along the route, I couldn't believe how emotional it was for me. To hear people say thank you for loving my son. There was one young person who had a shirt that said "Born this Way" and was wrapped in a rainbow flag. I walked over and said that it taken a little but I believe the shirt to be true. This child wrapped their arms around me sobbing and saying thank you.
I will forever be changed by this. Some may hope that means my beliefs, nope, if anything, my faith is stronger. My Heavenly Father loves my Matt more than I can even comprehend and he did not create a mistake. Someday I will understand all of this. In the meantime, I stand ready to put my arms around any young person wondering if they are a mistake and assuring them they are loved.
I love my Matt! He has been a joy to raise and I am so proud of the man he is and of his family which includes my Trent. Love you all.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Reflections of a 50 year old
I decided to reflect on the past five decades in the month of my 50th birthday.
I was born in 1962 but I don't remember much of the 1960's. I do remember watching the moon landing and Robert Kennedy's funeral. I started school in the '60's. I remember going to the tennis courts with my sisters to watch them play and be the ball girl. I would wait until a miss and then ask "do I get the ball?" and they would say, "yeah, Lis." Their friends all called me "yeah Lis." I got to play the dummy hand in Rook all the time. I would sometimes round the table and look at their hands and say, "hey, hey hey!" if they had a rook. I also remember my brother getting me to say "I ain't no lady!" in a crazy voice. I know that I had good friends named Merry, Trudy and Kim. I have stayed friends with Kim my entire life. As a matter of fact, she is coming to Utah this next week and we are going to see each other after probably 15 or 16 years. Another memory I have is of a dairy owned by the Hernandez family. They had a purple cow out in front of it. I loved going there and they would let me ring things up for them. It was always so fun. In that decade, our family was involved in building the church building on Ross Avenue and I remember the old one and helping clean it out to move into the new building. In the 1970's Elder Bruce R. McConkie came to dedicate the new building. They don't do that anymore.
The 1970's were my decade. I remember doing the Presidential Award contest each year and earning that top award. I played softball for the first time in the 4th or 5th grade and we were the Roadrunners and had white shirts, pink shorts and pink socks. I loved going to Dairy Queen after a win. We had a lot of those because we had a very good team. I played softball through my senior year. I would go to the tennis courts with my brother, David, and play in the early 70's. He had much faith in my tennis ability. I did play a couple of years in high school. Our church always had a barbecue every year and I would practice in the mirror how to sell tickets to my neighbors. It wasn't hard to sell tickets because the food was amazing and there were always things to buy at the bazaar, liked baked goods and homemade items. My mom was famous for her homemade bread. Monday afternoons were my favorite day to come home because that was her bread making day and she always had a slice waiting for us. I went to Washington D.C. with my MGM (Mentally Gifted Minors) class (so politically incorrect nowadays, but my brothers and sisters called it Mothers Greatest Mistake). LOL! I got sick and missed seeing Arlington National Cemetary (which I had written a research report about) and Washington Cathedral. Had a huge crush on a guy named Manual Aguilar from the 7th grade through my Jr. year when I finally met him in person at his little sister's 15th birthday party and well, misbehaved a little with him. Let's just say, I lived out my dreams that night (which all in all, were pretty innocent). I went to Girls' Camp, Youth Conferences and Priest Laurel Conferences. I remember Kim and I and a couple of other kids were in charge of a Priest Laurel Conference that was held at IVC our Senior year? So fun. I was Mary Poppins in the Suisin County Summer Play the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years. That was an amazing experience. Loved my high school years -- they were great! Good Friends, lots of fun and great memories. My kids are always so surprised to hear that I graduated high school in 1980. It throws them off because I tell them I grew up in the 1970's -- with Disco and shiny clothes and the Commodores, Earth Wind & Fire, Lynard Skynard, Led Zeplin, Heart, Abba. Oh I could go on. They completely didn't believe that I was in the rock band for the school. Yep, I sang pop, jazz, country, rock it was a blast.
The 1980's, I graduated high school and I left El Centro a week after graduation to go to BYU. My parents sold their home in El Centro and moved to Ogden, Utah. I think I have always regretted not being able to "go home" to El Centro. I dream about it often and Marty and I are always buying our old house there. I met Marty June 9, 1982 and we got married February 11, 1983. We had Andrea February 5, 1984. Marty went into the Army and was away in New Jersey, San Antonio and Colorado from September 1985 to April 1986. We had Matt May 1, 1986. We bought and built our first home in 1988.
In December of 1990, Marty was called up during Desert Storm to Germany and returned home in April, 1991. We had Rachael on June 3, 1991. Yep, he missed two of my pregnancies. We were busy raising our kids in the '90's and completed our family with Nic on August 2, 1995. Marty changed jobs in 1998 and went into medical sales. I worked throughout the 1980's and 1990's but after Nic, I got a job that let me work from home and take the kids with me running a recreation program as the girls' director. It was fun.
Farmington and Marty has gone back to scrubbing in the OR after leaving sales in 2010. Andrea is married and living her life. Matt is settled in with his partner, Trent, and they are living a good life. Rachael is in Paul Mitchell the School becoming a stylist and Nic is a sophomore in high school. The last five years have not been fun, but we have learned and grown from our experiences.
I have seen a lot in my life. My parents are both gone and three of kids are grown. Marty and I are looking forward to lots of fun with Nic and hopefully, lots of missions when we are older. Life is good. Its not easy, but it is all worth it.
I was born in 1962 but I don't remember much of the 1960's. I do remember watching the moon landing and Robert Kennedy's funeral. I started school in the '60's. I remember going to the tennis courts with my sisters to watch them play and be the ball girl. I would wait until a miss and then ask "do I get the ball?" and they would say, "yeah, Lis." Their friends all called me "yeah Lis." I got to play the dummy hand in Rook all the time. I would sometimes round the table and look at their hands and say, "hey, hey hey!" if they had a rook. I also remember my brother getting me to say "I ain't no lady!" in a crazy voice. I know that I had good friends named Merry, Trudy and Kim. I have stayed friends with Kim my entire life. As a matter of fact, she is coming to Utah this next week and we are going to see each other after probably 15 or 16 years. Another memory I have is of a dairy owned by the Hernandez family. They had a purple cow out in front of it. I loved going there and they would let me ring things up for them. It was always so fun. In that decade, our family was involved in building the church building on Ross Avenue and I remember the old one and helping clean it out to move into the new building. In the 1970's Elder Bruce R. McConkie came to dedicate the new building. They don't do that anymore.
The 1970's were my decade. I remember doing the Presidential Award contest each year and earning that top award. I played softball for the first time in the 4th or 5th grade and we were the Roadrunners and had white shirts, pink shorts and pink socks. I loved going to Dairy Queen after a win. We had a lot of those because we had a very good team. I played softball through my senior year. I would go to the tennis courts with my brother, David, and play in the early 70's. He had much faith in my tennis ability. I did play a couple of years in high school. Our church always had a barbecue every year and I would practice in the mirror how to sell tickets to my neighbors. It wasn't hard to sell tickets because the food was amazing and there were always things to buy at the bazaar, liked baked goods and homemade items. My mom was famous for her homemade bread. Monday afternoons were my favorite day to come home because that was her bread making day and she always had a slice waiting for us. I went to Washington D.C. with my MGM (Mentally Gifted Minors) class (so politically incorrect nowadays, but my brothers and sisters called it Mothers Greatest Mistake). LOL! I got sick and missed seeing Arlington National Cemetary (which I had written a research report about) and Washington Cathedral. Had a huge crush on a guy named Manual Aguilar from the 7th grade through my Jr. year when I finally met him in person at his little sister's 15th birthday party and well, misbehaved a little with him. Let's just say, I lived out my dreams that night (which all in all, were pretty innocent). I went to Girls' Camp, Youth Conferences and Priest Laurel Conferences. I remember Kim and I and a couple of other kids were in charge of a Priest Laurel Conference that was held at IVC our Senior year? So fun. I was Mary Poppins in the Suisin County Summer Play the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years. That was an amazing experience. Loved my high school years -- they were great! Good Friends, lots of fun and great memories. My kids are always so surprised to hear that I graduated high school in 1980. It throws them off because I tell them I grew up in the 1970's -- with Disco and shiny clothes and the Commodores, Earth Wind & Fire, Lynard Skynard, Led Zeplin, Heart, Abba. Oh I could go on. They completely didn't believe that I was in the rock band for the school. Yep, I sang pop, jazz, country, rock it was a blast.
The 1980's, I graduated high school and I left El Centro a week after graduation to go to BYU. My parents sold their home in El Centro and moved to Ogden, Utah. I think I have always regretted not being able to "go home" to El Centro. I dream about it often and Marty and I are always buying our old house there. I met Marty June 9, 1982 and we got married February 11, 1983. We had Andrea February 5, 1984. Marty went into the Army and was away in New Jersey, San Antonio and Colorado from September 1985 to April 1986. We had Matt May 1, 1986. We bought and built our first home in 1988.
In December of 1990, Marty was called up during Desert Storm to Germany and returned home in April, 1991. We had Rachael on June 3, 1991. Yep, he missed two of my pregnancies. We were busy raising our kids in the '90's and completed our family with Nic on August 2, 1995. Marty changed jobs in 1998 and went into medical sales. I worked throughout the 1980's and 1990's but after Nic, I got a job that let me work from home and take the kids with me running a recreation program as the girls' director. It was fun.
Farmington and Marty has gone back to scrubbing in the OR after leaving sales in 2010. Andrea is married and living her life. Matt is settled in with his partner, Trent, and they are living a good life. Rachael is in Paul Mitchell the School becoming a stylist and Nic is a sophomore in high school. The last five years have not been fun, but we have learned and grown from our experiences.
I have seen a lot in my life. My parents are both gone and three of kids are grown. Marty and I are looking forward to lots of fun with Nic and hopefully, lots of missions when we are older. Life is good. Its not easy, but it is all worth it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Follow up
A better title for this would have been "Dreams Changed." I am always brutally honest in my writings and this one hit my son, Matt, a little hard. We had a long talk and he understands me a little better and I understand what he is saying, as well.
One thing I didn't make as clear as I should have is that I do love Trent. Whenever I am with him, he makes me smile. He makes my son very happy and I see it. As hard as this has been for Marty, he really appreciates Trent for this, as well. He talks about when they are together, you see that they are very happy and while he still struggles, he is growing to love Trent, too.
My intention with the previous post is to put the truth out there that this is a hard thing, but we have learned and adjusted and appreciate what we are as a family now and that includes Trent. My intention is to let people know that as an LDS parent of a gay child, you can love your child and love who is in his life and still maintain your beliefs. You do not have to throw the child out to prove you are a worthy member of the LDS Church nor do you have to abandon your beliefs to love your child. That is exactly opposite of what our Heavenly Father and the Savior would want and the leadership of the Church does NOT want families to disintegrate over this issue.
My dreams are different for Matt now and I will not apologize for saying so, but I do have dreams for him and Trent and they are hopeful.
One thing I didn't make as clear as I should have is that I do love Trent. Whenever I am with him, he makes me smile. He makes my son very happy and I see it. As hard as this has been for Marty, he really appreciates Trent for this, as well. He talks about when they are together, you see that they are very happy and while he still struggles, he is growing to love Trent, too.
My intention with the previous post is to put the truth out there that this is a hard thing, but we have learned and adjusted and appreciate what we are as a family now and that includes Trent. My intention is to let people know that as an LDS parent of a gay child, you can love your child and love who is in his life and still maintain your beliefs. You do not have to throw the child out to prove you are a worthy member of the LDS Church nor do you have to abandon your beliefs to love your child. That is exactly opposite of what our Heavenly Father and the Savior would want and the leadership of the Church does NOT want families to disintegrate over this issue.
My dreams are different for Matt now and I will not apologize for saying so, but I do have dreams for him and Trent and they are hopeful.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Dreams Removed
Saturday night Marty and I attended a reception for one of Matt's very good friends, Conrad. Early in the day, a lot of Matt's friends were at the wedding in the temple, but Matt was not there. He was thought of and missed.
I haven't even shared this with Matt because I know he doesn't want me to hurt, but again, writing helps me sort through my feelings. Matt was up visiting during the day and I knew he was nervous about attending this reception because it would be the first time he has been with a lot of those high school friends since "coming out." I love Matt's friends and, especially Conrad. He will always be special to me because he took the time to visit me when Matt was on his mission and it was like hugging Matt when I missed him so much. Marty and I wanted to attend the reception and be with Matt with our heads up and proud to be his parents and support him and Trent.
We saw his good friend, Mariti (sp?) and her husband first and it was great. Matt and Trent drove into the parking lot and she went out to get Matt and walk in with him. We had blast getting to hang out with the youngins. We went through the line and Conrad and his bride looked so fresh and happy! I turned back to look at Matt as he greeted them and introduced Trent as his partner. That moment is frozen in my mind realizing that a dream that I had for Matt of standing in line with his beautiful bride fresh from a temple marriage was exploding right before my eyes.
I know he didn't feel the same way then, but anyone who believes that he would "choose" that moment over what his good friend was experiencing does not understand. Matthew had the same dream I had for most of his life and he worked very hard doing everything he was "supposed to do" until he reached the point of involving someone else in the decision that he might hurt and it was at then he "chose" his path. The angst that he felt cannot be measured and it hurts my heart that my child has that pain.
My dreams for him are different now. I know that he is happy in his life and that he loves Trent. For now, I am content and ever hopeful.
I haven't even shared this with Matt because I know he doesn't want me to hurt, but again, writing helps me sort through my feelings. Matt was up visiting during the day and I knew he was nervous about attending this reception because it would be the first time he has been with a lot of those high school friends since "coming out." I love Matt's friends and, especially Conrad. He will always be special to me because he took the time to visit me when Matt was on his mission and it was like hugging Matt when I missed him so much. Marty and I wanted to attend the reception and be with Matt with our heads up and proud to be his parents and support him and Trent.
We saw his good friend, Mariti (sp?) and her husband first and it was great. Matt and Trent drove into the parking lot and she went out to get Matt and walk in with him. We had blast getting to hang out with the youngins. We went through the line and Conrad and his bride looked so fresh and happy! I turned back to look at Matt as he greeted them and introduced Trent as his partner. That moment is frozen in my mind realizing that a dream that I had for Matt of standing in line with his beautiful bride fresh from a temple marriage was exploding right before my eyes.
I know he didn't feel the same way then, but anyone who believes that he would "choose" that moment over what his good friend was experiencing does not understand. Matthew had the same dream I had for most of his life and he worked very hard doing everything he was "supposed to do" until he reached the point of involving someone else in the decision that he might hurt and it was at then he "chose" his path. The angst that he felt cannot be measured and it hurts my heart that my child has that pain.
My dreams for him are different now. I know that he is happy in his life and that he loves Trent. For now, I am content and ever hopeful.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Outside looking in
I am here, yet feel as
if I am a spectator.
People greet me with
smiling faces
but return to the familiar
places.
After the greeting
I stand
awkwardly and alone.
Laughter and friendships
surround me
yet I stand
outside and cold.
There is no familiar for me.
Only empty smiles and
greetings.
I long for friendships
but I don't know
how to reach and be
that familiar person.
I know people will
be surprised
that I feel this
alone.
Its hard to let go
of what is comfortable.
Stretch and I too
will try.
if I am a spectator.
People greet me with
smiling faces
but return to the familiar
places.
After the greeting
I stand
awkwardly and alone.
Laughter and friendships
surround me
yet I stand
outside and cold.
There is no familiar for me.
Only empty smiles and
greetings.
I long for friendships
but I don't know
how to reach and be
that familiar person.
I know people will
be surprised
that I feel this
alone.
Its hard to let go
of what is comfortable.
Stretch and I too
will try.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Update
I have had a couple of days since Monday, Family Secret 2, and a visit to my internist and my psychiatrist. They both said I have to get my sugars under control which I have been working on and my psychiatrist, of course, gave me new meds. However, it seems to be helping a little. If I can just not fight with my son, then it works pretty well.
I hate end of term. It is so high pressure for kids and is made worse if they have played around and not worked hard throughout the term. Yep, that's us. All of my kids, except Matt, have done this, but they come by it honorably because I was and am exactly the same way. Give me a deadline and I can work and work hard.
I still have to bounce my legs when I sit, and try to concentrate on breathing, but I have not been in the fetal position yet again. That's good, right?
Funny note: Ever since I compared the cat and dog, Lacy sits on my lab 24/7 if I would let her as if to say: "Oh yeah, I am just as good as that ole' cat."
Thank you, everyone, who responded to my last blog either by FB, phone or in person. It is heart warming to feel of your love and support. In some cases, I have been told their story and how they came through. Thank you for your generosity of spirit.
I hate end of term. It is so high pressure for kids and is made worse if they have played around and not worked hard throughout the term. Yep, that's us. All of my kids, except Matt, have done this, but they come by it honorably because I was and am exactly the same way. Give me a deadline and I can work and work hard.
I still have to bounce my legs when I sit, and try to concentrate on breathing, but I have not been in the fetal position yet again. That's good, right?
Funny note: Ever since I compared the cat and dog, Lacy sits on my lab 24/7 if I would let her as if to say: "Oh yeah, I am just as good as that ole' cat."
Thank you, everyone, who responded to my last blog either by FB, phone or in person. It is heart warming to feel of your love and support. In some cases, I have been told their story and how they came through. Thank you for your generosity of spirit.
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