Grey's Anatomy Cast - Chasing Cars

Outside looking in

I am here, yet feel as
  if I am a spectator.
People greet me with
  smiling faces
but return to the familiar
  places.

After the greeting
 I stand
awkwardly and alone.

Laughter and friendships
  surround me
yet I stand
  outside and cold.

There is no familiar for me.
Only empty smiles and
  greetings.
I long for friendships
  but I don't know
how to reach and be
  that familiar person.

I know people will
  be surprised
that I feel this
  alone.
Its hard to let go
  of what is comfortable.

Stretch and I too
  will try.

Update

I have had a couple of days since Monday, Family Secret 2, and a visit to my internist and my psychiatrist.  They both said I have to get my sugars under control which I have been working on and my psychiatrist, of course, gave me new meds.  However, it seems to be helping a little.  If I can just not fight with my son, then it works pretty well.

I hate end of term.  It is so high pressure for kids and is made worse if they have played around and not worked hard throughout the term.  Yep, that's us.  All of my kids, except Matt, have done this, but they come by it honorably because I was and am exactly the same way.  Give me a deadline and I can work and work hard.

I still have to bounce my legs when I sit, and try to concentrate on breathing, but I have not been in the fetal position yet again.  That's good, right?

Funny note:  Ever since I compared the cat and dog, Lacy sits on my lab 24/7 if I would let her as if to say: "Oh yeah, I am just as good as that ole' cat."

Thank you, everyone, who responded to my last blog either by FB, phone or in person.  It is heart warming to feel of your love and support.  In some cases, I have been told their story and how they came through.  Thank you for your generosity of spirit.

Family Secret, Part 2 . . .

I am sitting here today counting the hours until I have someone coming home.  Nic will be here in just about 2 and 1/2 hours.  I think I can make it.  I have made dinner in the crock pot, put dessert in the fridge, taken the dog out numerous times, as well as three walks, paced the floors, done laundry, paced some more, breathed deeply again and again (just trying to take a deep breath is almost impossible), and still found myself curled up on the couch in the fetal position willing myself to hang on.  My heart has been praying all day and I still can't take a breath.

I used to think at the beginning of each year, I want to lose weight and get into shape.  Now, I think I want to breathe without pain.  I want a day without pure and total terror -- panic.  I miss my cat.  I love my dog, but she doesn't have the same comforting way about her.  I used to be able to pull my Cheeto on my lap and could physically feel my blood pressure go down and I could breathe again.

I don't want to freak anyone out -- I'm okay.  I'm not going to hurt myself.  I don't think I could hurt anymore than I am right now.  I will be here today and the next day and the next . . .  Pardon me if sometimes that sounds insurmountable.

I love my family.  They try so hard to understand and be helpful.  I wish I knew what to tell them, you know, how they could help me but I don't know myself.  I can't even help myself.

I'll just keep praying and breathing and soon my sweet son and husband will be home.  That will help.  This blog helps -- writing what I feel, getting some of the poisonous thoughts and feelings out, helps.

Wow, right now I can breathe . . .

More Warriors in the Fight

With no longer being a missionary in the Pornography Addiction Support Group (PASG), I have had to look around for ways to stay busy and active and involved.  I am so PSYCHED about these two websites that are new to me -- Beauty Redefined (you are capable of being more than looked at) for young woman.  Identical twins who are teaching young girls and women what beauty really can be.

http://www.beautyredefined.net/about-2/




And then the second organization if "Fight the New Drug."  College guys who have put  together a program for more the jr. high, high school and college age.  Great website.    www.fightthenewdrug.org

This is a huge battle and the more people we have fighting it individually and as a group will make the difference.

Also, don't forget Women for Decency.

Woot! Woot!

One Baby Taking a Giant Step and bringing in a new baby.

It's 6:46 and Nic has just left to go on his first date with Jessica, who is darling, athletic, tall and a soccer player for Viewmont.  I highly approve.  He looked very handsome and was excited to have a good evening.  I am proud of Nic and I don't worry one bit about how things will go tonight.

Somehow I missed his nice shoes in this photo.

Next, due to advice from two of my caregivers, doctors, we have brought another little creature into our family named Lucy.  She is a Morkie, which I didn't even know existed (this is a Yorkie and Maltese mix -- don't ask Drake Judkins -- he doesn't get it either -- I'm with him).  She is adorable, sweet and loving.  She will be my new companion during the day when everyone is gone.  I am looking forward to getting to know her.

One Soul

Most of you know that one of my many passions is the danger of gay pornography and how it can affect a child in their gender identity.  I fully believe it did with my son, Matt.  He does not totally agree in that he did do extensive therapy and felt like if that was the only reason he was confused, the therapy might have led him in another direction.

You also know that I have had my hand slapped quite a few times about sharing in our presentations about gay pornography and what I wish I could have known 12 years ago.

Yesterday, I was speaking to a woman who heard my presentation a year ago.  She told me she was so glad to talk to me because she wanted to tell me that I had help "save" her son.  I asked her what she meant.  She told me that she had concerns for  him and knew that he was confused and he had also seen gay pornography.  She said she was able to go home and say all the things that I had wished I knew to say to Matt 12 years ago.  She and her son have many conversations and the other day he came home from a dance and said "I danced with this girl and really liked it!"

I wish I could express in words how much this means to me.  My prayers are that this conversation she had with her son helps him avoid some real heartache.  This is something I will keep close to my heart.  Thank you for sharing with me.

Corporate America where it shouldn't be

{One clarification -- this is not about any leadership in our ward or stake.  These people work for an agency and are paid and one couple is acting as coordinators.}

Okay, I know I might ruffle some feathers with the following observations.  I grew up in California and we  used to joke about "Utah" Mormons.  Of course, the gospel is true where ever it is, it just seems that Utah Mormons think it is more true here and the way it is practiced or lived here is the true and correct way and Davis County is very much guilty of that thinking.

If that were true, my testimony would really be in danger.  I have just gone through an experience where I have dedicated my life to serving in a particular position.  I have stood in front of hundreds of people and told our story which has been a difficult task, at times.  I need to stop here and say that I never begrudged this, and almost always gave thanks and felt very privileged that people felt what Marty and I had gone through and learned was of value.

Unfortunately, some people can become a little prideful and greedy and anxious for power.  Those of you that know Marty and I  know that we are not ones to just follow the Pied Piper.  If we see something that we think is being done incorrectly, we will speak up.  That is where corporate America meets up with the Church (not the gospel).  We have this little kingdom in Davis County that I feel has gone off the rails and when I spoke my opinion, I suddenly found myself off in a corner, not being used in presentations.  Because things were not going to change, Marty and I decided to walk away.  No hard feelings -- concentrate on Nic and someday do this again.

You cannot believe the emails and phone calls that we have been getting from the "leadership."  Then when I wanted to meet with the people above and made a phone call to see about that, apparently I tried to call the King or royal family and that caused a whole uproar.  I just want to move on.

The last edict we got was that we are no longer allowed to attend the group that we have been going to for 6 1/2 years.  This same group that we started with and healed with.  We have been told it might make the new missionaries uncomfortable.  So my dear sisters -- I don't know what I'm going to do about that, but you will understand why I stay away for awhile.

Its a good thing that I recognize that people are human and can try to use unrighteous dominion when they want to stay in power and someone threatens that power.  This will not endanger my testimony of the gospel or this program.  No human can do that because both come from God.

The Family Secret

I have visited with several people lately and feel like this post needs to be reposted.  Not necessarily for my experience, but the information that might help other people:

I haven't wanted to post lately because I felt like maybe I was being too negative.  Then I realized that one of the reasons I started this blog was to be open and honest and remove the mask of being a member of the LDS Church and being a wife and mother in this day and age, particularly with the challenges that God has given me.

I have stated in earlier posts that my mother suffered from depression and anxiety and there is a long line before her and several people right along with me in this challenge.  I have been preparing myself to share what goes into that depression and anxiety meltdown.  I have had a couple, but one very severe one that ended in a hospital stay.

Its funny, some LDS members look at mental illness as an sign of sin.  There is a book by Elder Alexander B. Morrison called Valley of Sorrow, a layman's guide to mental illness.  He asks why there is still such a misunderstanding and fear of mental illness.  It should be seen as it really is, the mental "equivalent" of physical disorders.  He believes the way to change attitudes "is to bring light where there is darkness, knowledge where there is ignorance, and reason where there is superstition."

He talks about the "widespread, long-held public attitudes that attribute mental illness to divine punishments only increase the problem.  Latter-day Saints are particularly vulnerable to these false beliefs."  "All too often it is assumed by uninformed people that those who are suffering from mental illness are somehow responsible for their plight, that they have brought it upon themselves by sinful behavior."  This is false.

Anyone who has seen the unbearable pain of a severe panic attack knows full well that nobody would suffer that way if all that was needed was to show a little willpower.  No one who has witnessed the almost indescribable sadness of a severely depressed person, who perhaps can't even get out of bed, who cries all day, retreats into hopeless apathy, or tries to kill herself, would ever think for a moment that mental illness  is just a problem of willpower.

In this book, his daughter shares: "I seem to be in the middle of a never-ending nightmare of blackness and despair, so fatigued both physically and emotionally I know not where to turn.  Many days I longed for death -- it seemed the only door open to me."  I very easily could write these very words.

"I was too frightened to go to church.  . . .  all I could do was to walk in one door of the church and out the other door.  Staying for even five minutes just wasn't possible, even though I longed with all my heart to do so and prayed over and over again for the necessary strength."  I have been unable to attend church with any regularity since November of 2009.  I have had many well meaning people just tell me visualize going to church and just buck up and do it.  I want to say to them, if it was that easy, do they not believe I would be at church?

People, who are well meaning, often invite me to go to dinner, a movie or something and I will say yes, but as the time gets closer, I will find a way not to go.  I am blessed with a dear friend who understands now, but not many others do understand.  I become choked with fear and doubt and can't go.  I have little self-confidence and loneliness is almost more than I can bear.

In some ways, I have died.  My talents, potential dignity, self-worth, etc. all have been killed by this illness.  I dare not completely allow myself to feel the full pain of these losses.

I have been angry with God.  Why hasn't this burden been lifted, if not for me, then for my family?

So, maybe this helps people understand this illness.  In June of 2010, I had reached a time when my medication had been changed AGAIN which means I had to wean off of the old and start slow on the new.  In addition, there were several other types of medication for anxiety, etc.  One afternoon, when I was beyond the depth of despair to get on my knees and when my mind had convinced me that my family would better off without me, I shut my bedroom door and locked it.  I set out a different medication to confuse any EMT's and then pulled about 30 pills out of the trash can and swallowed them.  I lay down on my bed and waited.  Slowly thoughts started running through my mind.  At the time, I was a missionary for the ARP program and I had several sisters in that group that I had worked with and had grown to love.  I wondered what my dying would do to them.  Then I thought of my kids having to find me and that was unacceptable.  I finally reached for the phone and called poison control and soon after was in the ER.

It wasn't that I didn't want to die -- I did.  I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore, it was too much.  More importantly, I didn't want to hurt my children and those people I love by having to find me that way.  I spent a week in the Psych Unit at Lakeside Hospital.

I wish I could say that solved the problem.  It didn't.  There were many time I was driving and just thought "drive right under that semi-truck."  Another time, I was walking along a busy road and kept telling myself to step out into traffic.



I hope this helps someone -- either someone that is in my shoes or has a loved one who is struggling.  I wish I had a happy ending and could tie a bow around the whole story, but it is still ongoing.

Good Better Best

For the last six years, I have attended a meeting on Sunday night at Woods Cross Seminary for wives of men who are addicted to pornography.  This is called PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group).  About four months ago, they started a program for family members called "Healing through Christ" for which I was able to be the missionary.

When I walked into that meeting six years ago last August, I was the walking wounded.  I was hurt, angry, scared, sad, without hope, abandoned (okay, I could go on, but I think you get the picture).  That group saved my life that night.  Listening to women who had been through what I had been through and they were laughing and smiling and expressing hope about their future.  It was enough to stop my slide and for me to start trying to pick up the pieces.

At some point, I was asked to be a facilitator.  A facilitator is someone who is working the steps and is doing pretty well and shares their thoughts and successes with the group.  In July of 2008, Marty and I became the missionaries for that group.  What a wonderful and humbling experience that has been.  I was thinking about how many women I have come in contact with through this group.  Some were there when I started, but eventually stopped coming as they healed.  Others would come once and decide it wasn't for them.  Some that come and stay for a couple of years and are still attending.  Each one left something for me, some impression on my soul, some thought they verbalized that has stayed with me.

Last night, I had to say goodbye to them as their missionary.  This was a long and difficult process to come to that decision, but I am very at peace with it.  Nic is a sophomore and 2 and 1/2 years away from leaving on his mission and Marty and I feel it is very important for us to spend this time with him.

Being a missionary for these women came with lots of love for them, compassion and worry.  I spent a lot of hours praying for them and thinking about what each of them were going through.  I hope, now, I can still be aware and pray, but some of that heaviness will leave.

I sat in the room with 25 of my dear sisters and friends.  So much healing is happening within this group.  There is still a lot of pain, and will continue to have pain, but the reality of our Savior's love manifests itself every week in that room where healing takes place.  As these women share their experience, hope, love, anger, joy and so many other emotions, it seems that someone in that room needed to hear what another sister may say.

I love these women and will miss the opportunity to serve them.  However, they are my friends and I will always be there for them.  I think they know that.  So Sunday nights are now mine.  The decision between good, better and best had to made even if a large part of me feels like being a missionary was the best, another part recognizes being a mom to Nic is really the best.